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How To Be A Bitcoin Hater

Op-ed - How To Be A Bitcoin Hater

So you don’t really know what bitcoin is, which leaves you with two options: research, and not research. Now, like with most things in life, you should always go for the easiest; therefore not research. It’s not like there’s some magical open database of information available to you at all times. And because knowing stuff sucks anyways, I’ve compiled a simple guide to being a bitcoin hater, which will guarantee you feeling better about willingly not knowing things.

1. Don’t ever challenge anyone in person. You have, at your pale fingertips, an entire social network of pseudo-human interaction where you need never look anyone in the eye and where you are always right. Start in places like Reddit, Facebook, and YouTube, but if you really don’t have too much to say, Twitter is your friend.

2. Be highly suspicious of anyone who likes bitcoin of being a millionaire. Then fill yourself with resentment.

3. Be highly offended that there’s an abundance of white people really into bitcoin. Amir Taaki doesn’t count; he’s still half white, therefore racist.

4. Remind us all that bitcoin is only used to buy drugs. This is of course a direct insult to your lifestyle because you’re still meeting that kid in the parking lot behind your old school, who makes more money than you do by selling coke cut with baby laxative.

5. Safely assume that bitcoin is a fad perpetuated by neck beard hipsters, (but not the ones you hang out with).

6. Assert that math, I mean bitcoin, isn’t real.

7. Remember: you use your Visa and cash everyday, which makes you an economist. You’ve heard terms like fiat and deflationary, so you have full authority to claim that bitcoin is bad currency.

8. Point out the fact that bitcoin will be obsolete when we’re all in FEMA camps!

9. Conclude that since bitcoin is baseless in every way, and has a robust community, it must be a cult. Or some kind of club. Or made up of a diversity of people who people know things you don’t. Same thing.

10. Although oil was volatile for some 40 odd years, and many things that are terrible have been stable, like the S&P 500 stock market, claim bitcoin is bad due to volatility. Don’t worry, it’ll hold up because if you don’t know anything, then nobody knows anything.

11. Demonstrate that you can comfortably subscribe to two contradictory beliefs at once by stating that nothing backs bitcoin, while continuing to use the dollar.

12. Resort to name calling:

13. Say that Bitcoin is a tulip, Beanie Baby ponzi scheme. And remember, that’s what you think, and you’re never wrong, so you must be, not wrong in this case too.

14. Assume that people who like bitcoin think they’re better than you. No, assume that they own bitcoin to be better than you.

15. Whether it be in good humor or complete conviction (one can never know), don’t forget to voice that bitcoin is controlled by zionist reptilian shapeshifting overlords.

16. If attacking a male, go for things like “you probably still live with your mom.” If female, this may remind you that you haven’t had much experience with osculating curves, so allow you virginal frustrations to fuel angry comments about her appearance. You’ll be surprised at how creative you can be in this state of mind.

17. In the very likely event of a killswitch or soft apocalypse, bitcoin would not work. So we might as well not use it now. In fact, let’s go back to trading seeds.

18. Argue that because Sha256 was developed by the NSA, and the Internet was invented by DARPA, bitcoin is therefore evil.

19. Remember, everyone who uses bitcoin is evading taxes, and you’re better because you’re not.

20. Assume things.

21. Point out that the government is not sure about bitcoin. And government represents us, so we too should not be sure.

22. Mention Ron Paul, because he’s crazy and doesn’t exist, just like bitcoin.

23. Completely dismiss what this technology means for the unbanked 6 billion, and continue to point out white privilege because electricity.

24. Publicly display that you have no idea what gives money its value.

25. Laugh, because it’s a virtue that you truly don’t give a f*k about global innovation.

26. If all else fails, blame the Internet.

“If you don’t believe me or don’t get it, I don’t have time to try to convince you, sorry.” – Satoshi 7/29/2010